My guest author this week is A.B.Funkhauser. She is a funeral director, classic car nut and wildlife enthusiast living in Ontario, Canada.
Like most funeral directors, she is governed by a strong sense of altruism fueled by the belief that life chooses us and we not it. Her debut novel HEUER LOST AND FOUND, released in April 2015 after five years of studious effort, has inspired four other full length works and over a dozen short stories. Her sophomore effort, SCOOTER NATION, is in edits for a 2016 release.
Jürgen Heuer did many things in his lifetime, but murdering another human being was not among them. Of course he considered it at times—having Fuhrer blood in his veins practically demanded it—but logic always trumped emotion and that was what kept him from breaking the law this time. Standing over enough explosives to level a half block, he replaced the matches in the pocket of his pimp suit, leaving Werner to curse and mutter at the 61 Division cops who had better things to do than visit the hermit house a second time.
Irmtraut, understandably, was not impressed when he appeared before her to explain. “Since our first meeting, you have forced an angina attack on your neighbor, preyed on the wits of the only person who loves you, and wreaked havoc at the office juice bar.”
“That, I can explain—” he interjected, relishing, somewhat guiltily, all the drama he’d created. “I merely sought to dispatch any papers incriminating to me. Instead, I found a bunch of tawdry shits besmirching my name.” He flapped his arms chicken-like. “They decided I was peculiar and with all these rainbow flags going up over town, they were making allegations.” He was not gay. He was nothing at all. Why did everybody insist on assigning labels? He was dead. It didn’t matter. And he hadn’t meant to set all the juice-o machines to malfunction in tandem, nor had he intended for Miss Samantha to go ass over heel and break an arm.
Irmtraut laughed at his childish protests, suggesting that he busy himself with the World Cup soccer scores. “Germany is leading, and the betting octopus is expected to weigh against the Spaniards.”
He scoffed at the suggestion; a German victory was a foregone conclusion. “Why waste time on a sure thing?”
Geo Buy Link: http://myBook.to/heuerlostandfound
I asked A.B to tell us a bit about herself.
How did you get started writing?
I had a memento mori, (literally an object signifying death) but in common usage it is more like a hammer to the head or ‘wake up call.’ A friend of mine committed suicide and I needed to open a pressure valve, so I recorded some thoughts in pencil, in cursive, in a loose leaf binder. Both my friend and I had an appreciation for humor, and so it didn’t take long before my musings were hijacked by just that. Very soon, I was making stuff up. This became the fiction.
Can you tell us a fun fact about yourself?
All I ever wanted growing up was a pet that didn’t have scales or swam in a tank. I wanted something furry with claws and an appetite. But I couldn’t have this because of terrible allergies. Then one day, in the back half of my life, a mysterious stranger appeared at my back door scratching for admission. He wore a black coat and had the most arresting green eyes. I rebuffed him at first, citing age old health complaints. But he persisted, returning, sometimes daily, to my back door. I had no choice but to let him in. Of course, he belonged to the household six doors up, and after warm introductions, it was agreed that the happy wanderer could visit me as often as he chose. “Kobe” the occasional cat is a common house cat, but he is more than that. He gives me tremendous joy, and he doesn’t give me hives!
What’s your top writing tip for new writers?
Never sit down in front of a blank screen unless you’ve been mulling something for an extended period of time. Write on demand does not work...at least, not for me. I never set out to be a writer. The writing called me. That said, I’ve known writers of every proficiency, and their motives for writing are as varied as the flowers in the field. So do it, by all means, but only do it if it makes you happy.
Book Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-C5qBpb0Yc
Interview Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2yhaXfh-ns
Interview Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoPthI1Hvmo
Thanks for dropping by to tell us about your work and your novel, A.B.